I broke down this weekend.
It's not often that it happens, but every now and again I internalize too many things and eventually they fester.
First of all, I have a problem with never saying no. I am the "yes" girl. I can't stand having to say no to someone. I like to solve everyone's problems. I'm the solutions girl. Even if you don't ask me for a solution, if I know of a situation, I instantly start trying to find a solution. So, this being my personality, I tend to take on more than I should. So, currently, as usual, I have a full plate. Actually, the plate is beyond full, and is over flowing.
Secondly, I am about to turn thirty. Just typing that line has sent me into tears again. It's bothered me all year, but now that November has truly creeped up suddenly and is here, the revelation that it's unavoidable has smacked me like a Mack truck. Now, I'm going to get very girlie, emotional on you and tell you the cliche that we've all heard and we've all said, but truly this is how I feel right now and the aging factor doesn't help at all . . . I don't feel attractive and I'm not at all happy with my figure. O.k. that's all I'm going to say to keep from dwelling there. (Wiping away tears and trying to gain composure to complete this post.)
Thirdly, with November, comes Thanksgiving. My family is meeting in North Carolina for the second year in a row. Last year was my all time favorite Thanksgiving memory and I'm excited that everyone's coming to North Carolina again this year. I have the shortest drive and LOVE that I can so easily join them for this holiday. HOWEVER, this year it is Madison's year to spend Thanksgiving with her dad. I don't want her to. I want her to be with me and my big family and all her cousins. I know that the BEST place for Madison is with me and my family that weekend, but I don't have a right to ask for that, and I don't have an ex that would do something selfless for the benefit of our child.
Just for fun, let's throw finances in there too. I love living from paycheck to paycheck and choosing which bills I'll pay each month in order to stay afloat.
If that's not enough, for kicks, let's throw in the fact that my family was bunkered down for ANOTHER hurricane this morning and at present I can't get a hold of them. Yesterday, our Pastor jokingly opened service with "Aren't you glad you're not in Florida today?" As the congregation cheered agreeing, I quietly said "No, actually, I do wish I were in Florida today." Not that I want to endure a hurricane, but if my family is enduring the hurricane, I'd much rather be there with them to go through that together than to be here like an island.
So, there you have it. Just some of the burdens that finally grouped together to make their attack. Any one of them alone, probably would not have stood a chance against my naturally optimistic demeanor, but grouped together, they came in like an army prepared for takeover. Sadly, for them, I don't give up too easily. I may be wounded, but I'll persevere. Have no fear.
It's not often that it happens, but every now and again I internalize too many things and eventually they fester.
First of all, I have a problem with never saying no. I am the "yes" girl. I can't stand having to say no to someone. I like to solve everyone's problems. I'm the solutions girl. Even if you don't ask me for a solution, if I know of a situation, I instantly start trying to find a solution. So, this being my personality, I tend to take on more than I should. So, currently, as usual, I have a full plate. Actually, the plate is beyond full, and is over flowing.
Secondly, I am about to turn thirty. Just typing that line has sent me into tears again. It's bothered me all year, but now that November has truly creeped up suddenly and is here, the revelation that it's unavoidable has smacked me like a Mack truck. Now, I'm going to get very girlie, emotional on you and tell you the cliche that we've all heard and we've all said, but truly this is how I feel right now and the aging factor doesn't help at all . . . I don't feel attractive and I'm not at all happy with my figure. O.k. that's all I'm going to say to keep from dwelling there. (Wiping away tears and trying to gain composure to complete this post.)
Thirdly, with November, comes Thanksgiving. My family is meeting in North Carolina for the second year in a row. Last year was my all time favorite Thanksgiving memory and I'm excited that everyone's coming to North Carolina again this year. I have the shortest drive and LOVE that I can so easily join them for this holiday. HOWEVER, this year it is Madison's year to spend Thanksgiving with her dad. I don't want her to. I want her to be with me and my big family and all her cousins. I know that the BEST place for Madison is with me and my family that weekend, but I don't have a right to ask for that, and I don't have an ex that would do something selfless for the benefit of our child.
Just for fun, let's throw finances in there too. I love living from paycheck to paycheck and choosing which bills I'll pay each month in order to stay afloat.
If that's not enough, for kicks, let's throw in the fact that my family was bunkered down for ANOTHER hurricane this morning and at present I can't get a hold of them. Yesterday, our Pastor jokingly opened service with "Aren't you glad you're not in Florida today?" As the congregation cheered agreeing, I quietly said "No, actually, I do wish I were in Florida today." Not that I want to endure a hurricane, but if my family is enduring the hurricane, I'd much rather be there with them to go through that together than to be here like an island.
So, there you have it. Just some of the burdens that finally grouped together to make their attack. Any one of them alone, probably would not have stood a chance against my naturally optimistic demeanor, but grouped together, they came in like an army prepared for takeover. Sadly, for them, I don't give up too easily. I may be wounded, but I'll persevere. Have no fear.
posted by Forever Amber at 1:40 AM
9 Comments:
I'm glad you called this afternoon. I know it's not a lot of consolation but that whole year before 30 was worse than actually turning 30. 29 was hard and it felt like 30 was this looming corner that once turned would tell the world whether I had succeeded or failed thus far. I had no children, not even pregnant, working a job I wasn't created to be happy in and longing for someone to tell me that I was valuable. I know it doesn't sound that horrible, but for me...those were the big issues in life. Get past it and remember what makes you so incredible is that you are one of the most selfless people I've ever met. God has great things in mind for you...don't get too busy to miss any of them. Love ya!
Mary, you made me cry. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I truly value your friendship.
I feel so stupid for trying to encourage anyone dreading a birthday because I'm almost always the youngest of the bunch. Having not been there, I have no idea what battles occur in the mind. Almost certainly it is when we compare ourselves to what we think is expected of us (thus revealing our "shortcomings") or when we compare ourselves to others (whether or not we have an accurate image of who they are). You can choose to live like that any old time- don't waste your one and only 30th birthday being blinded. You are a dedicated and loving mommy, a true asset to your company, a joy to be around, and a resilient woman who never lets a challenge stop her. When those things fail you, and even if they never do, you have friends and a God who love you and want amazing things for you! (And Mary's right, add selfless to the list!)
Tisra - you have such the advantage watching all of us go through our emotional (as well as physical) ageing process. In the next few years you can totally be ready to face the 30's with absolute perfection.
Mary,
No, I fear that no one will have sympathy for me because 30 will be laughable to everyone older. But if I deal with it "perfectly" as you predict, then I don't have anything to worry about, right? Hey, as long as I have an amazing party and the chance to wear a knockout dress! Black tie, people. Eric's got 4 years to plan. ;-)
Can't wait Tisra! I hope I'm not pregnant.
Amber!! Ok...DON'T PANIC!!! (Believe me, I didn't want to hear that when I was 29 either...just hear me out). I can not even begin to tell you how different life is at 30. I DREADED turning 30...and it wasn't THAT long ago...just this past June. What I CAN tell you is that the day after I turned 30, I realized that I was just a baby...of all the 30-somethings in the world, I was a newbie-30. New kid on the block. It was like being a freshman in college...but with all of the knowledge that I gained in my 20's of how I do and don't want to live my life. Believe me...my 29year old self would kick me if she knew I was going to say this...but the grass IS greener over here on this side of 30.
Ok...I'll get off the soapbox now.
--girl
Amber,
Hang in ther. Know that you have people who barely know you pulling for you and praying for you.
Peter
When I was 18 I had a mental “to do” list lingering in my head. I wanted to be married at 22 and start having children by 24, and the list goes on. When I turned 29 I realized I had barely scratched the surface with my list and that it could not be accomplished; especially since I didn’t get married until I was 25. The week of my birthday I realized that those goals were out dated and if they would have come true I would have never meet Tim and so on. My life it totally different from when I was 18, but ironically it’s SO much better!
Post a Comment
<< Home